Today tested my character and broke me down. I am tired of lying. I lie so I must be a terrible person right? Maybe. Let me explain and you can judge me later.
You: How was your weekend?
Me: It was good. I just lied to you. I sugar-coated my weekend because honestly you don’t want to hear the truth. You don’t want to hear that while it was wonderfully beautiful outside I spent most of the time curled up in a ball fighting the pain in the pit of my stomach and nausea that creeps up whenever it feels like it. (I have Crohn’s disease and that sometimes is my typical weekend.) I also sucked that up for a few hours to work my second job to pay my mounds of accumulating medical bills.
See, you didn’t want to hear the truth. I don’t know why people bother with small talk sometimes. I really don’t. I hate lying or omitting the truth. I do both.
I told a half truth today as well. A co-worker asked how I was doing today, and I replied okay. I was not okay. She said that’s good with a smile and moved on. In what world is okay a good thing. Not in mine- clearly she wasn’t listening. Small talk is dumb and a smile would have sufficed. OK in my world really means I am struggling today. My health is deteriorating and I am fighting to stay here at my job instead of go home and cry because of the pain. But …”that’s good” 🙂
Before the end of the day, I buckled. I went to my boss and cried. I can’t remember the last time I cried. I cried because I was so overwhelmed by pain and embarrassment that this is the second day in a row that I have had to leave work early because I wasn’t feeling well. I am 28 years old and I haven’t worked a full month without calling in sick or leaving early since February I think. But in that moment of time, I opened up briefly to my boss about my health because I am passionate about my job. I feel like I am copping out by not being there but at the same time I know that if I stay at work I am not helping anyone. I will make myself sicker and things could spiral in a bad way and will not be of good service to the kids I work with. They deserve the best.
In that moment of time, I was vulnerable. At the same time, she omitted truth to me. She has a health condition that she does not go into detail about. I don’t know the name of the condition. I just know the doctors that we have in common. I can read the struggle in her face of all the health issues she’s endured. She is a strong woman. So am I. Yet, strong woman can’t be strong every second of every day. In moments of weakness, I lie.
I lie almost everyday.