I feel complete overwhelmed in many aspects of my life. My health, a little at my job, and definitely in my personal life. I am hoping with writing this blog I can sort out my feeling and figure out a direction to move towards.

In regards to my health, I just started cimzia for the first time after trying humira and remicade in the past. Fingers crossed I hope that it goes well and helps me manage my symptoms. After a month of antiobiotics, the butt rash has started to heal and the infectious control doctor believes that if there was a yeast infection there it is cleared up now and that it is just active crohn’s disease in my rear. The hopes are that the cimzia will blast the rash away and start to heal my body. At the same time, I am planning on seeing a holistic doctor. A naturalpath. I need to get control over what food affects me and start eating better and managing my stress better. As much as I hate to admit it, I can not manage what I eat on my own. I stress eat, for one, which means I revert to soda which gives me the runs and I feel worse than the shit being squeezed out of me. But somehow, it eases my mind. A better alternative must exist that will ease both my mind and stomach.

I don’t think that I manage my stress at all. I am trying to go to the gym two times a week, but its with my good friend. As much as I love my friend, I think that creates more stress for me because I am a gym goer solo. I love going on my own time and jamming out to my music and letting my mind run rampant. However, my going to gym makes her go and she won’t go without me. So I try to make the most of it. Other than that, I get a massage with my mom once a month. But  feel as anxiety creepies in more,  I need to find more ways to keep it at bay without consuming me.

Then there is my personal life. Oh boy, where to begin with this. My ex-fiancé of 4 years ago, had a mutual friend of ours ask if I will speak with to him. I haven’t really talked to him since our break-up which was really bad. But I figured if he was getting our friend involved, that this may warrant a talk. To get the run down of our relationship, it was my first real relationship. Eric was my only love. But it was such a roller coaster. When things were good we were awesome, but our fights were aweful. The break-up was terrible. In the end he told me I was the reason he wanted to kill himself. Hearing that destroyed my heart. Obviously, he is very much alive=. To my knowledge, he did go get counseling after. I pray he really did go and that he benefited from that. There were so many mixed motion going into a new conversation with him and just as many leaving the conversation. And he forgets that I do him, even if he is different (which I am very skeptical on). He is so transparent and I can see that his plan is to be my friend and he wants to win my trust back. I don’t know if that’s what I want at all. I think its a huge risk to take on his friendship right now. But the burden of hating him has been lifted. I didn’t realize how heavy it was until yesterday. In some way, it was like catching up with an old friend because he was my best friend for 3 years. But hating him has used up a lot of my energy and now-a-days, I don’t have a lot of that.

So, I have a starting point now I guess. It’s time to put what I wrote into action! Until next time! 🙂 Thanks for reading.

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