Today tested my character and broke me down. I am tired of lying. I lie so I must be a terrible person right? Maybe. Let me explain and you can judge me later.
You: How was your weekend?
Me: It was good. I just lied to you. I sugar-coated my weekend because honestly you don’t want to hear the truth. You don’t want to hear that while it was wonderfully beautiful outside I spent most of the time curled up in a ball fighting the pain in the pit of my stomach and nausea that creeps up whenever it feels like it. (I have Crohn’s disease and that sometimes is my typical weekend.) I also sucked that up for a few hours to work my second job to pay my mounds of accumulating medical bills.
See, you didn’t want to hear the truth. I don’t know why people bother with small talk sometimes. I really don’t. I hate lying or omitting the truth. I do both.
I told a half truth today as well. A co-worker asked how I was doing today, and I replied okay. I was not okay. She said that’s good with a smile and moved on. In what world is okay a good thing. Not in mine- clearly she wasn’t listening. Small talk is dumb and a smile would have sufficed. OK in my world really means I am struggling today. My health is deteriorating and I am fighting to stay here at my job instead of go home and cry because of the pain. But …”that’s good” 🙂
Before the end of the day, I buckled. I went to my boss and cried. I can’t remember the last time I cried. I cried because I was so overwhelmed by pain and embarrassment that this is the second day in a row that I have had to leave work early because I wasn’t feeling well. I am 28 years old and I haven’t worked a full month without calling in sick or leaving early since February I think. But in that moment of time, I opened up briefly to my boss about my health because I am passionate about my job. I feel like I am copping out by not being there but at the same time I know that if I stay at work I am not helping anyone. I will make myself sicker and things could spiral in a bad way and will not be of good service to the kids I work with. They deserve the best.
In that moment of time, I was vulnerable. At the same time, she omitted truth to me. She has a health condition that she does not go into detail about. I don’t know the name of the condition. I just know the doctors that we have in common. I can read the struggle in her face of all the health issues she’s endured. She is a strong woman. So am I. Yet, strong woman can’t be strong every second of every day. In moments of weakness, I lie.
I lie almost everyday.
gut-wrenching truth about crohns 
wow. what an incredible post! thank you so much for sharing. and i hope it’s okay to say that i understand a lot of what you shared because i’ve lived with ulcerative colitis since i was 8. i’m now 42. i hope this writing 101 (and your writing in general) will prove to be healing in some way(s) for you.
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Malaika, Thank you for your kind words! It’s more than okay to say you understand what I shared because I am sure you felt the same experiencing ulcerative colitis. I hope you are doing well now! My writing has definitely been a healing source along with comments and readers of my blog! wordpress is a great community!
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oh that’s wonderful to hear! and i agree, wordpress has been a fantastic experience for me so far! and, yes, it’s been quite the journey and learning with UC. looking forward to sharing more with this 101 🙂
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Thank you for writing this post! Healthy people need to know what it is they take for granted every day and the inadvertent ways they minimize the experience of people who live with chronic health issues. What a different world it would be if we only asked ‘how are you’ when we really wanted a genuine answer, and if anything less than a genuine answer would be considered odd. Unfortunately, it’s the opposite.
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Thank you for your comment! I couldn’t agree with you more. I wish people sincerely cared about the answer to the question. It’s almost better to just smile and pass by than ask a question you don’t care about the answer too. I appreciate your support! Wishing you and your family health and happiness!
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I’m sorry you have to deal with such physical and emotional pain. This is a great post though. You had my attention from the beginning. Nice!!
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Thank you for your support! Wishing you health and happiness!
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I normally tell people “I’m hanging in there.” I don’t always want to tell people what’s really going on. I worry that they’ll get tired of hearing me going on about my colitis all the time.
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“I’m hanging in there” is a good response for the bad days. I just know there are some days I want to say I am doing aweful and desperately need a nap to heal because I have no energy. But I know it takes a lot educating to explain why I am so fatigued all the time. And some days don’t have the extra energy for that. But I also think, if a friend vs co-worker is asking you how are feeling or doing then you have every right to tell them about your colitis and they shouldn’t get tired of it. I know I have a few friends that I will share the truth with 100% of the time- no sugar coating. They provide me sanity because true friends provide you support no matter what – even if they are tired of hearing about it. We wish we could change our symptoms but we can’t we have to live the reality everyday.
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I hope you’re doing ‘okay’ and find some comfort in a little sleep and self pity tonight. Sometimes a little wallowing is exactly what we need! Xx
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I agree! Sometimes a good cry helps! Thank you for your support! Wishing you health and happiness! 🙂
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Reblogged this on Crohnie Man and commented:
This is very good and pretty much applies to all with a chronic illness.
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I feel very honored that you like my post and re-blogged it! 🙂 Wishing you health and happiness!
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